Searching for home Pt. 1

So I've started going back to Temple, and I thought I would document my experiences, thoughts, and reflections as I explore different Temples and Snyagouges in Chicago. People don't come in contact with a Black Jewish person everyday, and undoubtedly my experiences will partly be shaped by how others perceive me.
So here goes!

For the last three weeks I have been going to my local Reform Temple here in Oak Park. I have actually been trying to attend service at this Temple for close to two months now. But originally there seemed to be some confusion. Let me explain, the first two weeks or so I got up and headed over to the Temple on Saturday morning for 10 AM service. However when I got there, there were next to no cars in the parking lot. That was the first thing that raised an eye brow. Then I got out the car and every door I attempted to open to enter the Temple was locked! I was really confused at that point. I saw a few people go into the Temple from a back entrance but being new, and black I wasn't about to walk into the Temple from the back! If the front doors weren't open I just wasn't going and so-I didn't go.
Eventually though I made it to a Friday Shabbat service and things were fine. Of course I got the normal people coming up to me to introduce themselves, and I think more importantly to find out who the heck was I?!
The first service I went to was actually the first service of the new Rabbi. He's a middle aged man. Looks like he is in his early forties. The service wasn't as thought provoking or substantive as I would have liked. But I also kept in mind it was the Rabbi's first service. So I'm sure he was just trying to feel his way around. It was a pretty big crowd though, probably a little over a hundred people in attendance.
The second service I went to was a Saturday morning service. Which says allot, because I am NOT a morning person at all! Service starts at 10 AM so I figured I could do that. I got there about 10 minutes late, but I made it. Interestingly enough it was actually a bar mitzvah taking place that morning. Therefore, the order of the service was very different. Really that means service was longer than it usually is but that was OK because I had never witnessed a bar mitzvah before. From that perspective it was very interesting. The little girl (who was 13) had definitely put allot of time into preparing and working on her Hebrew. I just sat back and took it all in.
Although there was this one Asian woman that kept looking over at me. At some point I wanted to wave to her(Haha), I figured that would have got her attention! Haha
The third visit and the most recent visit, I think I will write about tomorrow. It was by far the most interesting visit yet!

The end of an era

Dear Society:

I've found that I've always been torn between multiple realms.
On one hand I can be a very confrontational and direct with people. I have no problem articulating what I am feeling or conveying anything that is on my mind. However, in some situations I am very passive aggressive. I don't cause scene's and I don't articulate to the person what is bothering me. I expect that the person or people will pick up that my behavior has changed or my attitude has changed and inquire about it. As well I expect that these people will know me well enough to have an idea of when they may be doing something or venturing into territory that might cause issues. Unfortunately what I have learned is often times people either aren't paying attention or just are more concerned about themselves.
Therefore what I have concluded is chivalry in my world is dead. I will not be nice and pleasant to people. I will no longer turn the other cheek. I will no longer look for the best in someone and try to bring it out in them. I will not go out of my way to help and be of assistance to anyone. Why? Because if everyone else is self serving, and is living life just fine then dammit so can I! So next time you ask me for something or ask me to do something, stop and think, what is Leonard going to get out of this? Because that is the question I will be asking myself, and if the answer is nothing or very little in comparison to what is being asked of me, then the answer will be a resounding NO...and maybe even a HELL NO.
For far too long I've been nice and giving of myself to self serving individuals, and that will stop immediately.

Thank you and good night.


Yours truly,

introspective mind

No really?!

What the hell are you doing with that person!


Ok, ok, I understand that we meet people and sometimes there is something about them that allows or enables you to look past some of there flaws and appreciate how the person treats you or how they make you feel or a list of other things. At some point however, you/we have to take a step back and look at the person for who they are can think about the long term. Yea, he is cool to party with and drink with but the nigga can't keep a job! He's a cool guy, but he doesnt have a high school diploma or a GED and he's 27! He has always been grind'n and on the block, and sees no reason to stop now!


What the fuck are you going to do with that long term?! If he hasn't seen the benefits of having a diploma or GED in the last 7 years enough to motivate him to get on his shit, what can he do for you? How can he motivate you to better yourself? How much of an active partner can he be in building a long term future? Given that we live in a credential society what does one with no credentials do?!


He can't keep a job? I don't even know why I have to speak to this one. It should be obvious! The reality of life is most things cost something and if he doesn't have steady employment he can't be relied on for various things in the long run. What type of partnership do you build with someone that can't contribute?! Of course I always have at least one friend that is like "well, I don't need his/her money. I make my own money. " That is great, but the reality is at some point you are going to get tired of caring the financial weight of the relationship, no matter what.


Lastly he is on the block? What the fuck is that going to do for you, really? He is not paying into social security. He doesn't have a IRA, a pension, a 401K...nothing What the fuck are you going to do 20/30 years down the road? At some point he is going to get locked up, come on now!


I hope these are extreme examples but the point I am trying to articulate is step your game up. Sit down and really evaluate who you are, and evaluate the things you want to do and the person you want to be and find someone that compliments you. Someone that motivates you to be a better person. We are only as good as the company we keep!

What happened to all the guys?

I haven't yet decided what the 'theme' of this blog is going to be so for now I'm sure it will be a random combination of things. Today is one of those days I have a lot on my mind so we will see how many post I end up posting today.

As those that know me are aware I have significantly more female friends than male friends. People have given me grief about this for ages, well in particular females have given me grief about this more than males...but then again, refer to my sentence!
I decided I would explore this topic a little.
I think the first part of it is my parents divorced when I was relatively young. As well when they were married my father was in the USAF. He didn't fly planes or anything like that but mostly worked in missiles. At first he worked in Nuclear missile Silo's which required him to work a schedule that had him "in the field" for a a week or two at a time and then he would be off/at home for a week or. So a significant portion of my childhood he was away.
Once he stopped working in the silo's he worked as a missile tech loading and unloading the missiles on planes. With that position he was able to come home regularly, but then he started to get into professional body building. So yup he had the ability to be at home more, but he was at the gym with his trainers instead.
Hence the lack of strong early bond with a male figure. And since we were stationed all around the world the most consistent person was my mother, a woman.
As I mentioned my parents divorced when I was young, so another good chunk of memories from my childhood is of my parents arguing and fussing. Not seeing my father all that often and then having vivid memories of my mother and my father arguing and fighting definitely plays into it!
At some point, probably around 8 or 9 my parents sent me back to the states to stay with my grandmother. My mother has always said this was so I could enroll in school at the start of the school year as opposed to coming back to the states with my parents and starting a new school in the middle of the school year. I'm sure there is some truth in this but as I have gotten older I also have learned that it was during this time that my parents started there divorce proceedings. Therefore I think that probably had something to do with it at all...but in any case, I was staying with my grandmother...another female.
Lastly as my mother I and resettled back in Ohio as most often happens when one gets divorced, my family helped out quite a bit. Most of this help, was in the form of watching me!(LOL) So when my mother had to work or job interviews or what may have you I would be with family. Most often my Great grandmother, grandmother, or aunt...once again all females!
Based on those early life experiences I think I have always been more trusting of women than I have been to men.
As time went on my father and I had/have very different perspective's on life. In hindsight I think it was just a difference in the way we were raised and cultured.(My father came from more of a working class family, my mothers family were more middle class) But at that time as a child and a youth I just didn't understand why he did things the way he did them and he had no clue how to relate to me or attempt too.
Fast forwarding again.
Interestingly enough in middle school and high school I had a pretty good balance of male and female friends. Actually I had more male friends than female friends. But that seems pretty common for adolescent boys I would venture to say. As well I went to an all boys high school, so having more male friends seemed inevitable on some level.
The change didn't really occur till I got to College. For one females out number males in college. As well I had a serious girlfriend so I think some females felt comfortable befriending me thinking I was going to try to talk to them or make any advancements told them. Which was pretty true...for the most part. As I got more involved on campus and in 'college life' my number of female friends increased exponentially! The more organizations I joined, the more e-boards I sat on, the more I did the more females I met. I have always attributed this to the fact that females are typically more active in campus life then males, especially in the black community.
For awhile in undergrad I associated with more males but that was a direct result of my interaction with a particular fraternity. At that point some of my closest friends were males.(excluding Tara of course)
However as a person that feels like I give a great deal in my relationships, friendships included. I do expect a certain level of reciprocity. Unfortunately these individuals were not able to provide that. The first, Aaron, had to be the closest person to me besides Tara in IL. He was like a brother to me. If he needed help with something I was there and if I needed help with something he was there. We would hang out and just do the random, and often wild crazy shit college students do! What also made it great was we had many of the same interest and were both intellectuals. In a community where the black male students aren't active on campus and didn't take leadership roles it was only time before arguably the two most active black males on campus became friends, or as my great grand mother would say 'thick as thieves'...lol whatever that phrase means! LOL But when Aaron and I went through our Greek 'process' he changed his colors. Most people say people change after they become 'Greek', in this case Aaron changed during and after! Which honestly I didn't care, people change. No big deal. However, when I learned he was going around telling people in the frat (which of course got out to the non Greek community) that I was gay and had a child on the way. That definitely ended our friendship! One thing I do not accept is slander, especially slander that has NO merit. The end of that friendship hurt me. I have never been a person that had a great many friends. I have always been very selective about who I let in my little bubble and to look at someone as a brother (when I'm an only child) and for that person to say those type of things, hurt.
Years later he tried to reach out to me, but I wasn't receptive at all.
The second was a guy named Chris. Now Chris and I were different, we were very different. But that was cool, not everyone is going to be alike. And from my experience no matter how different Chris and I were he was a rock and he would roll out in a minutes notice or be down for whatever! And I appreciated that type of dependability.
So whenever shit hit the fan with Chris, I was there and vis versa.
However, one day I asked Chris to help me move and he agreed to help. I didn't have much and I really hated asking people to help me move because I hated when people asked me but in this case I had literally 2 or 3 items that I just couldn't move alone. I checked in with Chris, and chatted with Chris that week. Shit, I even seen him at the club earlier that week! LOL
Reminded Chris the day before, and he said he would be there. Sure enough the next day, Chris was a no show. So I did what I always do, relay on myself and did it myself. In the rain and dark I some how moved a bed, a dresser, and futon from a third floor apartment into my car (in pieces of course and several trips) and took them to my new apartment.
Did I hear from Chris the next day, like, yo sorry about that man? NO
Did I hear from Chris a week later? NO
Did I try to call Chris? YES
And that was the end of that friendship.
But I did have multiple female friends come by during the days leading up to my move and after that helped me pack and unpack. Some even helped me move some of the smaller stuff in the days before the big move.
What really closed the book for me on Chris and Aaron is when Tara died, I didn't get one call, one text, one email, or anything from them. Both of them knew Tara. Aaron was an Alpha, Tara was a Delta. Although they weren't at the same school. The Greek community is small and Aaron knew, but he didn't reach out...at all.
Tara's entire Chapter came to Cleveland for the funeral, 40 plus sorors drove, and flew from as far away as California for the funeral. One of them being Chris's ex-girlfriend. Did Chris ever call? NO. And to add icing on the cake his ex was talking to me telling me how she had talked to Chris and told him and he was like he would give me a call. More than 2 years after Tara's death I still have not heard from Chris.
Lastly oldest friend I have, who I grew up with to a great extent. His name is Michael. He went to College in Ohio. Which given the geographic distance of rural Ohio and Chicago or course he and I grew apart during college and to a some extent in high school as well since we went to different high schools but more in college. Inspite of that he and I still kept in touch and would kick it HARD every time we were both in Cleveland at the same time. Unfortunately after Michael graduated from college, he got in trouble with the law and is not serving 10+ years in a corrections facility in Ohio. We still keep in touch, but as you can imagine its some what limited.
So after those experiences first with my father, and subsequently with other really close male friends I have consciously or sub-consciously nurtured my relationships with female friends more than male friends. From my experience females tend to be more reliable, dependable, open, and caring.

A woman's fall from grace

I once knew a woman in two life times. In the first we were both young and to a degree naive. It was in this period that she had a great impact on my perspective of women. See this woman, was all that I thought I could never attain. She was physically gorgeous, not the type of gorgeous that you want to put on a pedestal and look at. But the type of gorgeous that you see in person and say: "wow, there are women that look like that!" As well as being physically gorgeous she was kind, and had a warm demeanor that always made me feel comfortable. Although intellectually we had different interest, she was always able to hold a conversation on a variety of topics. She was shorter than I, had a body, could cook, was sassy...just everything that a man fantasizes about. It was because of this bond that we established and how much I respected her that she left such an ever lasting impression on me, Even as we went our separate ways.I came across this woman again, in another life time. Actually, I searched her out. Like before I found her to be every bit physically attractive as I had remembered. I still felt comfortable around her and conversation flowed. However, this time she had changed, she had become part of the "world;" Manipulative, cunning, using flirtation as a means to get "things" from men and, women; she had begun to drink-not to the degree of substance abuse but definitely more regularly than a social drinker. As well she had begun to smoke-legal substances but we are all aware of the consequences of this, especially in women.As time continued and I begun to engage her in conversation on how she felt about her current position in life and where she wanted to be and how she planned on getting there, I began to see the woman I had known before. I saw small pieces of the naïve, sincere woman that I once knew. And I thought, she's alive-I can see her! I could also see the turmoil that existed between what she once was and what she had become. I could see these two sides fighting each other for ownership of her.I saw all of these things and I wanted to grab her, and shake her, and say come back! Fight, fight like there is no tomorrow, fight, fight for your life, please damn you fight it! As I observed all these traits and behaviors my heart began to break. This once near perfect creature had fallen prey to society, the fake hair, the preoccupation with making money, living the fast life, drinking, smoking, men of no substance or who truly do not have her best intentions in mind. One morning I looked at her and could not help but shed a tear as I watched her sleep. For in this life the woman I knew no longer existed.I marveled at how much things had changed. Before I was the student and she was the teacher, she was far more advanced than I. She was more mature, and just had her shit together. Now I sat and gave her advice, tried to tell her that there is more to life than this. Now I sighed, as I became the teacher and she became the student. I once knew a woman in two life times. In the first we were both young and to a degree naive. It was in this period that she had a great impact on my perspective of women. See this woman, was all that I thought I could never attain. She was physically gorgeous, not the type of gorgeous that you want to put on a pedestal and look at. But the type of gorgeous that you see in person and say: "wow, there are women that look like that!" As well as being physically gorgeous she was kind, and had a warm demeanor that always made me feel comfortable. Although intellectually we had different interest, she was always able to hold a conversation on a variety of topics. She was shorter than I, had a body, could cook, was sassy...just everything that a man fantasizes about-and I cried cause this she no longer was.