I haven't yet decided what the 'theme' of this blog is going to be so for now I'm sure it will be a random combination of things. Today is one of those days I have a lot on my mind so we will see how many post I end up posting today.
As those that know me are aware I have significantly more female friends than male friends. People have given me grief about this for ages, well in particular females have given me grief about this more than males...but then again, refer to my sentence!
I decided I would explore this topic a little.
I think the first part of it is my parents divorced when I was relatively young. As well when they were married my father was in the USAF. He didn't fly planes or anything like that but mostly worked in missiles. At first he worked in Nuclear missile Silo's which required him to work a schedule that had him "in the field" for a a week or two at a time and then he would be off/at home for a week or. So a significant portion of my childhood he was away.
Once he stopped working in the silo's he worked as a missile tech loading and unloading the missiles on planes. With that position he was able to come home regularly, but then he started to get into professional body building. So yup he had the ability to be at home more, but he was at the gym with his trainers instead.
Hence the lack of strong early bond with a male figure. And since we were stationed all around the world the most consistent person was my mother, a woman.
As I mentioned my parents divorced when I was young, so another good chunk of memories from my childhood is of my parents arguing and fussing. Not seeing my father all that often and then having vivid memories of my mother and my father arguing and fighting definitely plays into it!
At some point, probably around 8 or 9 my parents sent me back to the states to stay with my grandmother. My mother has always said this was so I could enroll in school at the start of the school year as opposed to coming back to the states with my parents and starting a new school in the middle of the school year. I'm sure there is some truth in this but as I have gotten older I also have learned that it was during this time that my parents started there divorce proceedings. Therefore I think that probably had something to do with it at all...but in any case, I was staying with my grandmother...another female.
Lastly as my mother I and resettled back in Ohio as most often happens when one gets divorced, my family helped out quite a bit. Most of this help, was in the form of watching me!(LOL) So when my mother had to work or job interviews or what may have you I would be with family. Most often my Great grandmother, grandmother, or aunt...once again all females!
Based on those early life experiences I think I have always been more trusting of women than I have been to men.
As time went on my father and I had/have very different perspective's on life. In hindsight I think it was just a difference in the way we were raised and cultured.(My father came from more of a working class family, my mothers family were more middle class) But at that time as a child and a youth I just didn't understand why he did things the way he did them and he had no clue how to relate to me or attempt too.
Fast forwarding again.
Interestingly enough in middle school and high school I had a pretty good balance of male and female friends. Actually I had more male friends than female friends. But that seems pretty common for adolescent boys I would venture to say. As well I went to an all boys high school, so having more male friends seemed inevitable on some level.
The change didn't really occur till I got to College. For one females out number males in college. As well I had a serious girlfriend so I think some females felt comfortable befriending me thinking I was going to try to talk to them or make any advancements told them. Which was pretty true...for the most part. As I got more involved on campus and in 'college life' my number of female friends increased exponentially! The more organizations I joined, the more e-boards I sat on, the more I did the more females I met. I have always attributed this to the fact that females are typically more active in campus life then males, especially in the black community.
For awhile in undergrad I associated with more males but that was a direct result of my interaction with a particular fraternity. At that point some of my closest friends were males.(excluding Tara of course)
However as a person that feels like I give a great deal in my relationships, friendships included. I do expect a certain level of reciprocity. Unfortunately these individuals were not able to provide that. The first, Aaron, had to be the closest person to me besides Tara in IL. He was like a brother to me. If he needed help with something I was there and if I needed help with something he was there. We would hang out and just do the random, and often wild crazy shit college students do! What also made it great was we had many of the same interest and were both intellectuals. In a community where the black male students aren't active on campus and didn't take leadership roles it was only time before arguably the two most active black males on campus became friends, or as my great grand mother would say 'thick as thieves'...lol whatever that phrase means! LOL But when Aaron and I went through our Greek 'process' he changed his colors. Most people say people change after they become 'Greek', in this case Aaron changed during and after! Which honestly I didn't care, people change. No big deal. However, when I learned he was going around telling people in the frat (which of course got out to the non Greek community) that I was gay and had a child on the way. That definitely ended our friendship! One thing I do not accept is slander, especially slander that has NO merit. The end of that friendship hurt me. I have never been a person that had a great many friends. I have always been very selective about who I let in my little bubble and to look at someone as a brother (when I'm an only child) and for that person to say those type of things, hurt.
Years later he tried to reach out to me, but I wasn't receptive at all.
The second was a guy named Chris. Now Chris and I were different, we were very different. But that was cool, not everyone is going to be alike. And from my experience no matter how different Chris and I were he was a rock and he would roll out in a minutes notice or be down for whatever! And I appreciated that type of dependability.
So whenever shit hit the fan with Chris, I was there and vis versa.
However, one day I asked Chris to help me move and he agreed to help. I didn't have much and I really hated asking people to help me move because I hated when people asked me but in this case I had literally 2 or 3 items that I just couldn't move alone. I checked in with Chris, and chatted with Chris that week. Shit, I even seen him at the club earlier that week! LOL
Reminded Chris the day before, and he said he would be there. Sure enough the next day, Chris was a no show. So I did what I always do, relay on myself and did it myself. In the rain and dark I some how moved a bed, a dresser, and futon from a third floor apartment into my car (in pieces of course and several trips) and took them to my new apartment.
Did I hear from Chris the next day, like, yo sorry about that man? NO
Did I hear from Chris a week later? NO
Did I try to call Chris? YES
And that was the end of that friendship.
But I did have multiple female friends come by during the days leading up to my move and after that helped me pack and unpack. Some even helped me move some of the smaller stuff in the days before the big move.
What really closed the book for me on Chris and Aaron is when Tara died, I didn't get one call, one text, one email, or anything from them. Both of them knew Tara. Aaron was an Alpha, Tara was a Delta. Although they weren't at the same school. The Greek community is small and Aaron knew, but he didn't reach out...at all.
Tara's entire Chapter came to Cleveland for the funeral, 40 plus sorors drove, and flew from as far away as California for the funeral. One of them being Chris's ex-girlfriend. Did Chris ever call? NO. And to add icing on the cake his ex was talking to me telling me how she had talked to Chris and told him and he was like he would give me a call. More than 2 years after Tara's death I still have not heard from Chris.
Lastly oldest friend I have, who I grew up with to a great extent. His name is Michael. He went to College in Ohio. Which given the geographic distance of rural Ohio and Chicago or course he and I grew apart during college and to a some extent in high school as well since we went to different high schools but more in college. Inspite of that he and I still kept in touch and would kick it HARD every time we were both in Cleveland at the same time. Unfortunately after Michael graduated from college, he got in trouble with the law and is not serving 10+ years in a corrections facility in Ohio. We still keep in touch, but as you can imagine its some what limited.
So after those experiences first with my father, and subsequently with other really close male friends I have consciously or sub-consciously nurtured my relationships with female friends more than male friends. From my experience females tend to be more reliable, dependable, open, and caring.
